Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Being Honest

Hi guys!

It's been a while hasn't it? I hope you're all doing good.

Just a little warning that this post may get quite deep and emotional so bare that in mind!

I just wanted to do this post as a kind of 'life update' really. A lot of things have happened over these past couple of weeks and my head has been all over the place so I wanted to do a blog post about it to help anyone else who might be feeling the same way.

I've been going through a really weird time lately. I was let go very recently from my job due to there not being enough work for me (which I did see coming to be honest - so it wasn't much of a shock) but I honestly never knew how much of an effect it would have on me. I do have another job. However, this job is only a 4 hour a week contract and although I am beyond grateful to have it as you can imagine it doesn't cover my bills.

I found myself getting phone calls from companies being like "oh, Miss Wright, you haven't paid this bill?" and in all honesty... no holding back.... I kind of wanted to die. I could see myself going down a pit of depression. I stopped answering my phone, I got super snappy at the people around me and I honestly just couldn't see a way out. I applied for jobs every single day to get emails saying I didn't have an interview or I just didn't hear back from them at all.

Around 2 weeks ago I felt like I had completely hit rock bottom. I found myself awake at 3am ugly crying and looking online for a therapist I could talk to straight away because I was having really bad thoughts. I just didn't feel like I had a purpose anymore. I'm very lucky that my boyfriend has been here and helped me so much with paying for things but sometimes that makes me feel worse because I'm the type of person that would rather buy someone something than receive something and when I physically can't give him anything back I get so upset! 

Anyway, after having a bit of a melt down I woke up the next day and promised myself that even if my situation was still the same - my mind set wouldn't be.. if that makes sense. I realised that crying, being depressed & worrying constantly was never going to change my situation. 

Ever since I realised I had to deal with this part of my life no matter what I kind of felt relief and things really started to get back on track. Although, I'm still not working full time I've realised how lucky I am to be surrounded by people who I can see now honestly care for me. I've realised how grateful I am to even have a job even if it is only 4 hours. I'm happy I have spare time to work on videos & blog posts. And I'm no longer wasting my days sat at home worrying. I'm still enjoying my life because I've realised that this situation is temporary and I feel like so many people make permanent actions based on their temporary situation. 

I guess I just want you to know that if things aren't perfect in your life then please don't worry. I feel that once you get to 20+ you feel like you're expected to have your shit together because you think everyone else does but you honestly don't. There will always be people more successful, richer, good looking, etc than you but why spend your life thinking of their life when you could be out living your own?

Please, just don't ever give up hope. I know I won't.

Thank you for reading,

Katie Ellen, xxx
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